I went to a new church this week. A friend had recommended it to me, so I decided to try it out. I went by myself, and I didn’t know a soul there.

When you’re as shy/introverted as I am, this is a pretty big thing.

Churches are tricky for me. I have a good bit of social anxiety with just about any situation, but churches in particular seem to intensify it. No idea if it’s all just in my head, the devil attacking me, or whatever else, but I typically don’t feel much peace in church settings.

On top of that, it’s difficult for me to feel God’s presence in such people-filled places; quite possibly because it’s also extremely difficult for me to shut off my acute awareness of my surroundings. I find myself staring at the floor in front of me, trying to block out the sea of lives, noises, and movements, searching for some kind of sense of connection to the Lord. Sometimes that works, a lot of the time it doesn’t.

It’s altogether not an environment I feel any kind of secure in, and because of that, I haven’t regularly attended actual church in a few years. Smaller Bible studies and the occasional church hopping with friends is the extent of it.

Nonetheless, the Bible stresses the importance of the church in Believers’ lives. I’ve always known that, but it’s hard to make myself go when I feel so much better sitting at my desk at home with a sermon podcast and notebook. There’s no anxiety there, I can focus better, and it feels like God comes and meets me. Not to mention it’s more comfortable, convenient, and time-efficient (I mean, I can listen to a few sermons in the time it takes to get ready, drive to church, sit through the one sermon, and drive home. I’m kidding. Kind of.).

Let me stress again that at the heart of it, my slacking church attendance has nothing to do with laziness or I-have-better-things-to-do-ness, and everything to do with some kind of personal insecurity.

On a worldly level, I think that’s 100% justifiable.

But I don’t want to blatantly disregard the Bible because I “feel” uncomfortable at church. I John 3:20 – what has quickly become one of my favorite verses – says:

“For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything.”

God is greater than our feelings.

A lot of the time, we may not “feel” God, church, or serving. Being a Believer is about doing it anyway.

Feelings are fickle and fleeting, yet for some reason, this generation tends to crown feelings as gods and compasses. The world has taken on this attitude of, “If I go against the way I feel, I’m going against who I am as a person.” Letting your feelings become an extension of your identity is such an easy thing to do. We feel certain ways for a reason, right?

Stop and think for a second how many components have entered our lives and potentially altered the way we feel about any given thing. It would be billions – from the way we were raised to the stuff we watch on tv to the cereal box sitting on the counter. It’s mind-blowing, honestly. There’s no escaping it. New influences will always be thrown our way.

That’s fine and all – exploring new ideas and viewpoints is important – but there’s got to be an understanding that there’s nothing solid about them. How could there be? They’re constantly changing, or at the very least, have the capability to transform at any moment. There must be a firm foundation of truth to keep us grounded and moving in the right direction underneath this colorful top coat of ever-changing watercolor feelings, viewpoints, and ideas.

Jeremiah sums up the whole “follow your heart” mindset (or aka “follow your feelings”) so well in Jeremiah 17:9:

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

We’re called to look to the Bible for answers, pray, seek counsel. Head over heart.

I had a fine time at church. The worship portion was my favorite; good music speaks to my soul, and this was really good music. The sermon has given me a lot to think about over the past couple days. I was able to meet a couple of ladies, even giving my phone number to one of them. It was fine. I was fine. It was a good church.

But it wasn’t a Hallmark movie.

I was still anxious the whole time. I didn’t feel God there. I felt extra self-conscious because I was alone. I felt a weird obligation to make friends with people – a huge, impossible-feeling task. The thought of going back makes my stomach feel all butterfly-ee. I know it’s not the church; it’s me.

I want to do the right thing beyond how I feel though. I want to be able to put my personal feelings aside and pursue the Lord to the best of my ability. I don’t want to allow whatever has made me feel this way to hold me back. I don’t want my feelings to dictate my actions.

In all things, I want to do what’s right because I know in my mind that it is so.

I can’t promise I’m going to keep going to this church long-term, but I do plan to go next week. I plan to keep praying about it. I’d like to join the young adults’ group, but I’m kinda terrified. And by kinda, I mean extremely.

I feel sure I’m going to fall on my face countless more times in my pursuit of putting God, the Bible, and solid truth far above my worldly, ever-changing feelings, but I’m trying. I’m aware, and I’m trying.